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Finding Love is Work

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Logan Ury, behavioral scientist, matchmaker, and “director of relationship science” at the dating app Hinge has written a new book, “How to Not Die Alone: The Surprising Science That Will Help You Find Love”. She has several tips on how to find a mate.

1. Forget “the spark.” Just because you didn’t feel “the spark” doesn’t mean the person is not worth pursuing. Ury says one psychologist surveyed more than 400 people to ask how they fell in love with their romantic partners, and only 11 percent claimed that they felt “love at first sight.”
2. Set a date for when you’re going to start dating. Three weeks is a good goal. With a shorter deadline, you are more likely to take action.
3. Set a schedule and small, achievable goals. Setting specific goals not only makes you more likely to achieve your goals, it also leads to greater motivation, confidence and self-efficacy.
4. Look up the word “efficacy.” (* It means “the ability to produce a desired or intended result.”)
5. Know what you want and when you want it. At a certain point, you need to shift your mindset from dating to meet people, to selecting a life partner, “someone who’s reliable, someone you can make hard decisions with.”
6. Update your dating app filters. Remove your genuine deal breakers, not just your pet peeves, like height or hair color. Open it up to meeting more people.
7. Have a checklist of questions to ask yourself after a date: did my date listen to me? Was I being true to myself, or putting on an act for my date? When you’re in a relationship, you are going to be the person your partner brings out. You want a partner who brings out the best side of you.
8. Give everyone a second date. First impressions are important, but giving more time to a person allows you “to find those diamonds in the rough.”


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